National Grief Awareness Week is observed this week (2-8 December) and leading local health charity, Northern Ireland Chest Heart & Stroke (NICHS), is using this week to raise awareness of grief, encourage people to talk about it, and highlight there is help and support available for those who need it.
As a society we don’t like to talk about grief, but it is a natural response to loss and can be particularly magnified at this time of year. When combined, deaths due to chest, heart and stroke conditions are the number one cause of death in Northern Ireland. Here, a local family shares their story of what it is like facing their first Christmas without their beloved family member, in the hope it might help others in a similar situation.
Gabrielle Riddiough and her children Aurora and Taylor, from Ballycastle, will be facing their first Christmas without husband and dad, Gordon. Gordon sadly lost his life to a sudden heart attack earlier this year, leaving his family devastated and in disbelief that he had been taken from them so soon. Gabrielle explains; “On the 20th of February, and without warning, my husband of 21 years passed suddenly of a cardiac arrest. He had no warning signs, no pain, he was just suddenly gone.”
“It has been nine months since Gordon passed away. The grief process will take as long as it takes, and a lot of people don’t understand that. They feel like they can’t talk about grief with you or about the person who has passed but it is ok to. People mean well and make comments like ‘you have to live for them’ or ‘you can’t let yourself be sad because of the kids’ but that is hard to hear. I am still trying to find my way through how to live without Gordon, it is still so raw and fresh.”
“I am very open about grief with the kids, and they see me get upset and cry sometimes. I make sure they know that all the feelings that come with grief, like sadness, anger or wanting to shut down, are normal and it’s ok and natural to feel them. You just need to allow the different types of grief you will feel at different times. It’s a rollercoaster and it’s not a linear process. Not everybody copes in the same way and that’s important to remember.”
Gabrielle continues; “As Christmas approaches it’s a confusing feeling. You’re not sure how you’re feeling because you don’t want the kids to be unhappy because you’re sad, you want to make it as good as you can for them, but you also want to acknowledge the feelings they have around it all too. The kids haven’t said too much about Christmas and I think they are just going through the motions with it all at the moment, taking it day by day. It’s a feeling of not being quite sure how to handle things.”
“My daughter and I were bringing the Christmas decorations down recently and we were having a laugh but then we remembered how Gordon would have always done it because he was so tall. Now it was just the two of us doing it. I think we will be trying to honour some of the old Christmas traditions we had as a family but start some new ones too as we continue in our new reality without Gordon. We are trying to find our new normal.”
Since losing Gordon, the family has found some comfort in fundraising for NICHS in his memory. Gordon had a huge passion for cosplay and was a big part of the annual Comic Con NI; this year the family collected donations at the event in his memory. Gabrielle and Aurora took on the charity’s Europa Abseil Challenge and a line dancing fundraiser was also held. The family’s, and Gordon’s work colleagues’, fundraising efforts have led to them raising an amazing £6015 for the charity to date.
Gabrielle says; “Whilst painful for us left behind, Gordon’s legacy will help support others and hopefully it will help other families not to have to go through what we are. We know this will make a difference to others, just as he did during his life. Gordon is, and will continue to be, missed by so many. We know that he would be so proud to be helping Northern Ireland Chest Heart & Stroke in his passing and we’re glad to keep his name out there in some way.”
Nadia Duncan, Donor Development Manager at NICHS, says; “We are always overwhelmed by the kindness and generosity of families, who at such a difficult and sad time of deep personal loss, still want to do something positive to help others. Their support helps thousands of people across Northern Ireland in their recovery from chest, heart and stroke conditions and helps us continue to invest in research projects and prevention work so that hopefully one day, other families will not have to go through the sudden loss of a loved one from one of these illnesses. As a charity, almost 90% of our income comes from public donations and we are so grateful to everyone who supports us in memory of a loved one and enables us to continue our vital work in local communities.”
“We want to do what we can to support families who are experiencing grief, and we understand this time of year can be particularly hard for those missing a loved one. This is why we offer the GriefChat service, which is available free via our website from 9am to 9pm*. This service was designed so that bereaved people can communicate quickly and easily with a professional bereavement counsellor, and not have to wait for long periods of time for a call back from a service, or be on a waiting list for support. We know that no one can understand exactly what your loss feels like to you, but we do understand that it is sometimes easier to talk to someone outside of your family and friends about grief and the impact of bereavement on your life. We are delighted to work in partnership with GriefChat and would encourage anyone who feels that they would benefit from the service, at this and any time of the year, to visit our website, search GriefChat, and make use of this important and confidential service.”
Catherine Betley, Managing Director at GriefChat, shares some advice for anyone experiencing grief and loss at this time; “For many bereaved people, Christmas can be an especially difficult time. There are lots of images of friends, families and loved ones sharing the festive magic, but if you have lost someone significant these can serve as a bitter reminder of what you are missing. There is also a seemingly inescapable expectation of good cheer, at a time when celebrating is the last thing you feel like doing. The first Christmas after a death can feel particularly hard, while you are still navigating your ‘new normal’, but even many years later, the season of supposed joy and festivity can feel poignant, at best.”
“Your instincts might tell you to try to ignore Christmas and New Year as best you can, and not engage in the usual rituals and decline all invitations. While this is completely understandable, and for some people a strategy that works well, we know from our many thousands of conversations with grieving people that often the anticipation of the big day is worse than the day itself turns out to be. We would always recommend having a plan, even if that plan is that you will be doing nothing. By making and communicating your plan with the people around you, you can ensure that expectations are managed and that you are not pressured into doing something that you do not wish to do. Remember that not everyone will be grieving the same way you are, or will necessarily want to spend the day doing the same things that you want to do, so if you can be a little flexible that may help others, as well as yourself. Some ideas to help you get through what can be a challenging time for anyone experiencing grief and loss include the following.”
“Especially after a recent loss, you may need to rethink how you spend the season, especially the day itself. Christmas tends to be a day when we reenact traditions and rituals, and it is up to you whether you want to continue with these in the absence of your loved one or do something entirely different. Some people, for example, choose to go away for Christmas, or maybe spend the day itself volunteering. Of course, you don’t have to do anything at all. Try not to give in to the pressure that Christmas has to be spectacular. If it is your first after being bereaved, you may want to keep this one lowkey. The thing about this time of year is that it comes around again, so you can always do things differently next year.”
“For many bereaved people, Christmas is a time when they want to remember the person who has died, but it can be hard to decide on an appropriate way to do this. Some people like to visit a special place of remembrance such as the grave, light a candle, or perhaps write a Christmas card telling their loved one their news and how they are feeling. Death ends a life, not a relationship, and it is ok to still connect with the deceased. Some people like to think about how they can still involve their loved one in Christmas. Some ideas include hanging a stocking for them in which family members can put messages or memories, creating a photo album of snaps from previous happy Christmases, or cooking and enjoying a particular favourite food in their memory.”
“Whatever the adverts and shiny social media updates would have us believe, Christmas can be a lonely time for many, not just bereaved people. You may like to surround yourself with others who have their own grief, or also remember your loved one. It can be an opportunity to look at photographs, share happy memories, and maybe to be sad and tearful, with some support around you from people who can empathise. Importantly, make sure the people around you can be flexible and understand that whatever activities you plan, when the time comes you may feel the need to take yourself out of the social setting and have some quiet time alone- and that is ok.”
“Finally, remember self-care is important for anyone experiencing bereavement, at any time, but perhaps especially at Christmas, when lots of us tend to overindulge. Try to sleep well, eat well, and avoid too much alcohol, which tends to provide only temporary relief. Wrap up and get outside for fresh air and exercise if you can. While you may not feel like partying, it is ok to enjoy yourself. In fact, having a happy Christmas may be the most fitting memorial you can give your loved one, and the best gift you can give yourself.”
To use the GriefChat service, visit www.nichs.org.uk/griefchat
For more information about setting up an NICHS Always In My Heart Tribute Page in memory of a loved one, contact nduncan@nichs.org.uk
